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Two and a Half Menchevron_right

S12E14: Don't Give a Monkey a Gun

After they sign their divorce papers, Walden offers Alan the gift of his choice, but when Alan chooses something selfish and impractical, it puts his relationship with Lyndsey on the line.

Genres:

Comedy, Drama, Family

Air Date:

Feb 12, 2015

Runtime:

21 minutes

Production:

Warner Bros. Television , Chuck Lorre Productions , The Tannenbaum Company

Casts:

Ashton Kutcher, Jon Cryer, Conchata Ferrell

Two and a Half Men

Big Flappy Bastards

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

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Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

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Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

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The Salmon Under My Sweater

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Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

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That Voodoo That I Do Do

Madame and Her Special Friend

Something Salted and Twisted

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That Special Tug

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Ergo, the Booty Call

The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer

The Spit-Covered Cobbler

Golly Moses, She's a Muffin

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And the Plot Moistens

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Arguments for the Quickie

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

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The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress

A Pot Smoking Monkey

A Live Woman of Proven Fertility

Apologies for the Frivolity

Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head

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Corey's Been Dead for an Hour

Kissing Abraham Lincoln

Walnuts and Demerol

Castrating Sheep in Montana

Don't Worry, Speed Racer

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My Damn Stalker

Young People Have Phlegm Too

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It Never Rains in Hooterville

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Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot

Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous

Mr. McGlue's Feedbag

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'

Prostitutes and Gelato

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Media Room Slash Dungeon

Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo

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Putting Swim Fins on a Cat

Help Daddy Find His Toenail

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Is There a Mrs. Waffles?

Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids

Kinda Like Necrophilia

Meander to Your Dander

A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh

The Soil Is Moist

Winky-Dink Time

Rough Night in Hump Junction

Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty

Fish in a Drawer

If My Hole Could Talk

Waiting for the Right Snapper

Taterhead Is Our Love Child

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The Flavin' and the Mavin'

A Jock Strap in Hell

It's Always Nazi Week

Best H.O. Money Can Buy

Pinocchio's Mouth

The Mooch at the Boo

He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

The Devil's Lube

Thank God for Scoliosis

I Think You Offended Don

David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie

I'd Like to Start With the Cat

She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime

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My Son's Enormous Head

The Two Finger Rule

Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau

Above Exalted Cyclops

Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth

Baseball Was Better with Steroids

Whipped Unto the Third Generation

Mmm, Fish. Yum.

Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator

For the Sake of the Child

Give Me Your Thumb

Untainted by Filth

Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.

Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair

That's Why They Call It Ball Room

Warning, It's Dirty

Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste

Yay, No Polyps!

Crude and Uncalled For (1)

Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (2)

Tinkle Like a Princess

I Found Your Moustache

Ixnay on the Oggie Day

Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave

I Called Him Magoo

Gumby with a Pokey

This Is Not Gonna End Well

Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud

A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer

A Pudding-Filled Cactus

Hookers, Hookers, Hookers

The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel

Twanging Your Magic Clanger

The Crazy Bitch Gazette

Springtime on a Stick

A Good Time in Central Africa

Ow, Ow, Don't Stop

Dead from the Waist Down

Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead

Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup

Lookin' for Japanese Subs

Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak

That Darn Priest

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt

People Who Love Peepholes

Big Girls Don't Throw Food

Nine Magic Fingers

A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

The Squat and the Hover

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

Thank You for the Intercourse

Frodo's Headshots

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

What a Lovely Landing Strip

One False Move, Zimbabwe!

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

A Possum on Chemo

The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack

Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy

Not in My Mouth!

The War Against Gingivitis

Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'

Why We Gave Up Women

The Straw in My Donut Hole

Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!

I Changed My Mind About the Milk

A Big Bag of Dog

Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt

You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For

That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam

Ferrets, Attack!

Avoid the Chinese Mustard

Something My Gynecologist Said

I Scream When I Pee

One Nut Johnson

Give Santa a Tail-Hole

Welcome to Alancrest

Grab a Feather and Get in Line

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Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It

Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby

Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries

The 9:04 from Pemberton

Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon

Bazinga! That's From a TV Show

Another Night With Neil Diamond

My Bodacious Vidalia

Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped

Nangnangnangnang

I Think I Banged Lucille Ball

This Unblessed Biscuit

Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank

Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003

Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants

Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie

Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.

Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer

On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!

Tazed in the Lady Nuts

Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.

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Three Fingers of Creme de Menthe

Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin

How to Get Rid of Alan Harper

Welcome Home, Jake

West Side Story

Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang

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The Ol' Mexican Spinach

A Chic Bar in Ibiza

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Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.

Alan Shot a Little Girl

Sex with an Animated Ed Asner

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Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey

Here I Come, Pants!

For Whom the Booty Calls

A Beer-Battered Rip-Off

Boompa Loved His Hookers

Don't Give a Monkey a Gun

Of Course He's Dead (1)

Of Course He's Dead (2)

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